Monday, October 25, 2010

Mah Hooooood.

A little while ago, I said I would blog about my neighbors.
Because they're funny.
So guess what?
I'm blogging about my neighbors! (And sort of hoping none of them will find this and run me out of the neighborhood with pitchforks, torches, and creepy statues of children.)

First off, here is this very intricate and detailed map I have drawn up for you (People in my family have a knack for Cartography. I am not one of them...)
First off, the yellow thing in my yard is my dog. She's poofy.

So next door to us is a retired couple.
They are very nice.
They love luaus and block parties.
They also magically know when we get a new cat, or I get engaged. I'm not entirely sure how they know these things, BUT THEY KNOW.

People in the blue house have a broken window and a bread truck in their driveway. The kid who lives there used to have a spherical friend who'd visit him a lot. Yes. The kid was SPHERICAL. I was always expecting him to just tip over and roll down the driveway one day. The Spherical Kid liked to squawk like a parrot, make very loud "prank phone calls" (Which were pathetic. And he'd do them in the street.) and show passing cars his boxers.
I have not seen Spherical Kid in months. He probably got arrested or something for the boxers thing.

Behind that row of houses on the left is the nightclub. They have karaoke.
We hear sirens a lot at night. I think the loud rock music is probably coming from there.
My little sister's best friend's house is back-to-back with the nightclub. Sometimes she loses a frisbee or something over her fence, and has to go out into the alley to get it.
Along with her frisbee, she found a whole bunch of bagels strewn all over the ground. Each bagel had one bite taken out of it. I believe someone was probably searching for "The Deadly Bagels".
To learn more about Deadly Bagels, please see this video by LoadingReadyRun, a crazy bunch of Canadians.

The people in the pink house love to exercise. My brother used to take martial arts from one of these fitness-obsessed people. My sister and I would watch from our window, and make up commentary for them. Martial Arts Dude is a morning person. He would bang on our door at 8am. FOR TEN MINUTES. Seriously. I timed him once. I should have been sleeping, but he kept banging, and I wasn't about to encourage this early morning knocking by answering the door. So I timed him, and my sister and I came up with all sorts of booby traps and security devices and evil plots to get rid of him. Best ones were the "Ejection 'Welcome' Mat" the "Giant Boxing Glove That Pops Out When He Come a'Knockin' and Knocks HIM into next Tuesday" and the "Guy We Hire to Sit in Our Tree and Throw Rocks". Martial Arts Dude's dad like fitness too. He runs down the street fairly regularly. Backwards. Then he runs back up the street forwards. Then down backwards. The he takes a break to clean his driveway. He hates dirt in his driveway, and sweeps it thoroughly. Sometimes he gets a rag, and gets down there and really scrubs.  Then it is clean, and perfect, and fit to park his cars on.

Lastly, we have the weirdest neighbor of all.
We call him Creepy Neighbor. He has bushes growing over his front door, and a basketball hoop hanging over his driveway at about a forty five degree angle (I am waiting for the day it finally collapses. I'm sure the neighbors are making bets). Sometimes, he hangs a black sheet over the inside of his door, so it looks all dark and like there's nobody home (This is an unfortunate fail. You can see the sheet sticking out at the top of the door). He used to take his fence apart, and pt it back together again. WITH STRING.
Creepy Neighbor is EVERYWHERE. Walk the dog? There he is, in his yard, or out walking with his giant 80's headphones. Go shopping? There he is. Wal*Mart, Target, Kohl's...Everywhere. Happen to look out the window? There's creepy neighbor, driving by in his car.
Always watching.
One time, I was walking through Target with Evan, when I noticed this weird loud breathing behind me. The breathing came around to the side and passed us. IT WAS CREEPY NEIGHBOR. HE HAD BEEN WALKING BEHIND ME. IN HIS BAD 80'S SHORTS.
He goes to Kohl's. I see him there. Always wearing bad 80's clothing. Whyyyy, Crepy Neighbor, whyyy? Why don't you buy anything?
And why do you leave your wallet in your car, and have to walk all the way out of the store to get it?
AT least he got a new fence.
And he doesn't keep that barbecue in front of his front door, and thus partially hidden in the bushes anymore.

And then there's us.
We're the  people who turn off our lights so we can spy on our neighbors without being seen.
I wonder how many of our neighbors think WE'RE creepy?

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