Monday, December 24, 2012

Pocahontas II - I Am Bored and Sick

I am sick. I have been in bed for three days. Pocahontas II is awful. Simply awful. So I'm watching it.

The movie starts off with John Smith chillin' in his bachelor pad, when some guys come in and are all "FAT ASS BAD DUDE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE WANTS YOU DEAD."
So they gang up on him, and he is eventually thrown into a river. We really don't care.

Now we're in America (Before it was 'Murica). The snow sits mysteriously flat atop leafless trees. Like, it's not lying on the branches like normal snow. It's just sitting up there, like a tarp covering up an old car.
Pocahontas pulls out John Smith's compass (Which must be broken, because that thing is always spinning around). It now says "JOHN SMITH" on the back in giant fancy letters. She's all, "Mehhhh. John Smith's dead. Not cool. I'll sing a super-boring song that no one will ever remember, and I will bury his compass under some snow, and also a blanket."
Nakoma gives Meeko and Percy some delicious bone-shaped biscuits. Wait....where'd she even get those??

A ship drives up to the white dude's settlement. All the women in this settlement are fat. Which is weird. 'Cause they're settlers, not wealthy people who can sit around and be fat.
They open the gates and are all, "WHOA. That ship's really close. Seriously, why'd we build the settlement so close to the water, again? In hindsight, that seems bad."

Fancyass John Rolfe rides his fancy horse right off the ship, and Pocahontas be all, "Damn, he fiiiine." Meanwhile, a fat man is disgusted by her, and angrily marches off, spilling his biscuits as he goes. Meeko and Percy fight over the biscuits, spooking John's horse, which knocks his fancy stripey pants self to the ground.
Everyone gets all huffy, and they aim weapons at each other. Pocahontas is all "HOLD DA PHONE. NO FIGHTIN'." And John is all, "SHE BE RIGHT, BROS."
Pocahontas is like, "I didn't need your help to stop the fighting, fancy stripey-pants man." John's all, "Uhhh, yeah you did."  They argue. This is how we know they will one day fall in love.

Pocahontas goes clubbing with her friends. John crashes the party in his fancy stripey pants. He's kind of dumb, and thinks Pocahontas is the chief. He gives her a pony. The real chief's all like, "You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real." John's all, "Yo chief dude, wanna come meet my king? He wants to meet yooooouuu!" Chief's like, "Uhh, then why doesn't he come HERE?" John replies, "Uhhh.....Dunno."
Pocahontas volunteers as tribute to go meet the fancy pants king.
Pocahontas shows Grandmother Weed - er, Willow- her new pony. Together they listen to the critters make critter sounds. It gives Pocahontas a headache.
Poorly animated Indians bid Pocahontas farewell, and she gets on the ship to England.
The ugliest Indian in the WORLD gets on the ship with them, so he can count white dudes. John bitches and pouts about it.

Percy gets drunk, proving you could still have alcohol in kid's movies in the late 90's. Scenes with likely drunken animal antics ensue.
John saves Pocahontas from the brig. Yaaayyy.

The ship nears England. The sailors excitedly shoot their cannons at it. John changes to less ridiculous pants, and proceeds to show Pocahontas around London. The citizens attempt to have the London version of Beauty and the Beast's "Belle" (Complete with a bald woman) but they do not succeed.
John takes Pocahontas home to meet Mrs. Jenkins, who won't open her eyes until someone else puts her glasses on for her. Mrs. Jenkins is naturally disturbed the ugliest Indian guy in the world, who we all really wish would just leave, and quit running around awkwardly.

John goes to meet the king, and tells him he brought back an Indian princess. The kings is playing giant chess for no particular reason, and demands Pocahontas attend a ball. If she attends the ball, and is awesome and proper, they will not attack her tribe with their armada. Because it makes sense. Ssshhhh. John now has to pull a My Fair Lady, and civilize Pocahontas. Original.
Pocahontas waltzes out in her English underwear, and for some reason, John is shocked, even though it covers more than her little Indian dress ever did.
Mrs.Jenkins sings an incredibly irritating song, and Pocahontas instantly learns to dance.

Pocahontas comes downstairs for the ball wearing a crapton of crap. John thinks it's nice. They go to the ball, where ugly Indian guy steals the clothes off a midget because he just realized he COULD look stupider.
Pocahontas compliments the king, and he gets very excited. She tells the king to call off the armada, but the king is too busy partyin' it up.
A drunk guy runs up to John, and invites him and Pocahontas....upstairs? I'm not sure. His words were a bit slurry. Who knows what's going on upstairs. O.o
All the fat ladies totally dig ugly Indian guy. He looks pleased. He knows his midget jacket helps him get all the babes.
There is dancing. John tells Pocahontas she is awesome at bringing peace. This makes her want to kiss him, but she doesn't get to, because that is what always happens in dance scenes. Some other guy always cuts in at an awkward time. Ratcliffe is that guy in this case, and he's all, "Bawhawhaw, if John SMITH was alive, he'd be totes jelly of Rolfe!" Pocahontas is all like D: Rolfe runs up to her and grabs her ass, which makes her feel better.
"Dinner is served!" Announces the midget, who magically has his clothes back.
We are then forced to watch the Igor triplets and Ratcliffe sing a song about magic.
They then bring in a bear and poke it with sticks to freak Pocahontas out. The king doesn't like Pocahontas freaking out, and has her arrested for liking bears. None of the king's guards have eyes.

John Smith (Who is ALIVE! Surprise!) hears about this while he's sulking in a bar, and rides off to help John Rolfe save her. Smith makes the guards chase him around, while Rolfe gets to be the fancy hero. Pocahontas is all, "YAY, JOHN!"
Then John Smith walks in, Pocahontas is all, "YAY, JOHN!" Of course, dumbass Smith lead the guards back to Pocahontas and Rolfe, so then they have to fight all of them. They escape of course, completely destroying the prison gate in the process.
Smith hugs Pocahontas, and she looks as though she hates it. Smith and Rolfe fight, and Pocahontas leaves. Rolfe runs after her first, so the audience knows who she's supposed to be with. Smith follows eventually. Smith totally notices Rolfe loves her. Rolfe looks as though he hadn't noticed before either. Smith appears not to care at all.
Pocahontas runs off into the woods, washes the makeup off her face, takes her hair down, and reprises her first boring song that no one listens to.
Pocahontas says she wants to go back and see the king. Off we go, then. Pocahontas struts into the king's court in her skimpy lil' Indian dress, and gives a speech. The king's all, "Okay, let's go stop the armada!"

Smith rides his horse right onto Ratcliffe's ship, and claims to be his own ghost. The crew freaks the hell out, and jumps off the ship. A few stay and fight, and Smith, soon joined by Rolfe, defeat them easily. One sailor is even defeated by Flit. The hummingbird. Yeah.
Ratcliffe fights Smith, and Smith makes lame sword puns. We are not amused. Ratcliffe decides swords are dumb, and pulls a gun on Smith. Seriously, if he HAD the gun, why didn't he just SHOOT ALL OF THEM? Pocahontas, Smith, Rolfe, ugly Indian dude... Would've saved him a lot of trouble.
Rolfe clonks Ratcliffe with...y'know..that big spinny thing on ships they always use to clonk people. And they toss him in the ocean. He is then arrested for being a liar.

Pocahontas and Rolfe almost have a romantic moment, but they screw it up. Fortunately, Smith interrupts with news that he got himself a sweet-ass ship. Yayyyyy.  He invites Pocahontas to accompany him on his ship, and Rolfe gets all sulky and leaves.
Pocahontas rejects Smith, and he's all, "Meh, okay."
Pocahontas gets on a different ship, to America. Rolfe happens to be on the ship. He goes to live with Pocahontas.

Ugly Indian dude, the bear, and Mrs.Jenkins live happily ever after, drinking tea.

And that is Pocahontas II. That's also why Disney should not make sequels to their awesome movies. Because things like THIS, and "The Little Mermaid II" happen.