Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I Am Here to Have Teeth Taken Out of My Face

That is what I told the guy when he asked what I was at the oral surgeon's office for. I don't know why he asked that. I'm pretty sure he already knew, since he had the fun stickers and blood pressure cuff and scary scary IV thing ready.
I guess he was making conversation. He got better at it as time went on, asking about my hair and husband and stuff.

I figure since I literally just had the whole wisdom teeth extraction thang done (WEEEEEEEEEEEE) I can tell you all about it, and perhaps reading this will make you, random stranger, less terrified than I was. Yay for less terror!

So first off, you get the consultation where they take x-rays and feel your mouth, and show you your teeth. In my case, I was awesome, and only had 3 wisdom teeth (So I am slightly less wise than I might be, but I also have one less stupid lower socket to deal with). They were all in good position to come out, and it was delightfully routine. I made the appointment to have the teeth evicted, and then I freaked out for a week.

By surgery day, I was mostly done freaking out, and just wanted to git 'er dun. I wore my Batman shirt, because The Goddamn Batman is not afraid of needles or surgeons or anything like that. I woke up waaay before I had to, took my giant ibuprofen, my incredibly blue antibiotic, brushed my teeth so no one would judge me, and rinsed with the horrible horrible mouth rinse.
We left early, but ended up arriving half an hour late because Austin. I had called ahead though, so it was okay.

So I get into the lil' room, and there's scary objects in there. We chatted a bit, and the doctor's helper dude/bro/whatever sticks heart monitor stickers on me. I warn him that the heart beat's gonna be fast and scary, 'cause he's scary. He starts me on the nitrous oxide (AWW YISSSS), and actual doctor dude comes in tells me to breath and such. Nitrous oxide is good stuff. Makes you say weird things, like, "I'm mostly conscious still, right?" "My voice sounds really looowwww right now, dude. Duuuude." "This stuff is the shiiiyat" and, "FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH." (That one was when they asked what kind of music I liked. They played Remember Everything for me!
 After a while I got to a point where I was pretty sure I was asleep. Or dead. Or floating in a magical spinny chair in outer space. As I said, nitrous oxide is good stuff.
I did have a minor freak out where I could only hear every other word the doctors were saying, but they told me it's supposed to be like that, you'll be okay, breathe, you don't need to fidget to make sure you're still alive. Once they got me calmed down again, they got the IV in. I barely felt it at all, so that was awesome (The IV was the scariest part of this whole thing for me.). They told me to do the breathing thing again, which I kept my eyes open for, so they'd know when I was out (I'm sure that's not at all necessary, but whatever, I was REALLY HIGH.). The last thing I remember was saying I kinda wanted to look at the IV stuck in my arm to see how scary it was, and the doctor giving me a look like "lolwut". I have no idea if I looked or not, because next thing I knew I was in a somewhat dark room (No idea how I got in there) with Evan on one side and the doctor on the other. They were talking to each other, but Evan says they talked to me as well. I told them I couldn't feel my face, "But oh wait, my nose is here!" I also apparently told Evan that he had two noses, but it was okay because I loved him anyway. I may have also called him Alvin.

I don't remember the walk to the car, or most of the ride home. I do remember having double vision, and telling Evan about how those two guys were four guys. The double vision seemed to only work on people, and the double was always much smaller than the original, and kind of hovering, so the tiny double's head was at the same level of the original.
We got home. I vaguely remember hanging on to Evan to get into the house, and flopping onto the bed where it was comfy. He wanted me to eat yogurt, but I wanted to nap. So I napped, and then ate yogurt (Eating and drinking are hella weird with gauze in your mouth). There are gauze changes occasionally, which are fine. Switching out blood soaked things for non blood soaked things is something girls are pretty good at. :P

Now I take many many pills, and eat delicious peach yogurt, and randomly doze off when I least expect it.

Apologies for typos or general weirdness.
I'm still kinda loopy.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Why, What's This?

A fake post, that's what.

BUT I will be updating soon. I found an old travel journal. My mom wanted to read it, but we forgot. My sister and I used to read it occasionally, and laughed our butts off. So that will be coming someday. I'll have some time on my hands during Spring Break, and the week after. (During the week after break, I will be working, but The Husband will be in Lubbock learning geek things at the new Martian Job. So I'll be playing Sims Medieval, and teaching my sister how to Borderlands 2. Maybe I'll squeeze in some blogging, 'cause it's fun.)

The only other post ideas I have floating around involve watching more cartoons, or talk about my wedding, which was a year and a half ago, but I still remember it. That post would be like, "HOLY CARPS WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE. Here is how to be cheap."

So, if anyone has anything they wanna hear me talk about, throw out a suggestion, and I think about it. xD

Monday, December 24, 2012

Pocahontas II - I Am Bored and Sick

I am sick. I have been in bed for three days. Pocahontas II is awful. Simply awful. So I'm watching it.

The movie starts off with John Smith chillin' in his bachelor pad, when some guys come in and are all "FAT ASS BAD DUDE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE WANTS YOU DEAD."
So they gang up on him, and he is eventually thrown into a river. We really don't care.

Now we're in America (Before it was 'Murica). The snow sits mysteriously flat atop leafless trees. Like, it's not lying on the branches like normal snow. It's just sitting up there, like a tarp covering up an old car.
Pocahontas pulls out John Smith's compass (Which must be broken, because that thing is always spinning around). It now says "JOHN SMITH" on the back in giant fancy letters. She's all, "Mehhhh. John Smith's dead. Not cool. I'll sing a super-boring song that no one will ever remember, and I will bury his compass under some snow, and also a blanket."
Nakoma gives Meeko and Percy some delicious bone-shaped biscuits. Wait....where'd she even get those??

A ship drives up to the white dude's settlement. All the women in this settlement are fat. Which is weird. 'Cause they're settlers, not wealthy people who can sit around and be fat.
They open the gates and are all, "WHOA. That ship's really close. Seriously, why'd we build the settlement so close to the water, again? In hindsight, that seems bad."

Fancyass John Rolfe rides his fancy horse right off the ship, and Pocahontas be all, "Damn, he fiiiine." Meanwhile, a fat man is disgusted by her, and angrily marches off, spilling his biscuits as he goes. Meeko and Percy fight over the biscuits, spooking John's horse, which knocks his fancy stripey pants self to the ground.
Everyone gets all huffy, and they aim weapons at each other. Pocahontas is all "HOLD DA PHONE. NO FIGHTIN'." And John is all, "SHE BE RIGHT, BROS."
Pocahontas is like, "I didn't need your help to stop the fighting, fancy stripey-pants man." John's all, "Uhhh, yeah you did."  They argue. This is how we know they will one day fall in love.

Pocahontas goes clubbing with her friends. John crashes the party in his fancy stripey pants. He's kind of dumb, and thinks Pocahontas is the chief. He gives her a pony. The real chief's all like, "You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real." John's all, "Yo chief dude, wanna come meet my king? He wants to meet yooooouuu!" Chief's like, "Uhh, then why doesn't he come HERE?" John replies, "Uhhh.....Dunno."
Pocahontas volunteers as tribute to go meet the fancy pants king.
Pocahontas shows Grandmother Weed - er, Willow- her new pony. Together they listen to the critters make critter sounds. It gives Pocahontas a headache.
Poorly animated Indians bid Pocahontas farewell, and she gets on the ship to England.
The ugliest Indian in the WORLD gets on the ship with them, so he can count white dudes. John bitches and pouts about it.

Percy gets drunk, proving you could still have alcohol in kid's movies in the late 90's. Scenes with likely drunken animal antics ensue.
John saves Pocahontas from the brig. Yaaayyy.

The ship nears England. The sailors excitedly shoot their cannons at it. John changes to less ridiculous pants, and proceeds to show Pocahontas around London. The citizens attempt to have the London version of Beauty and the Beast's "Belle" (Complete with a bald woman) but they do not succeed.
John takes Pocahontas home to meet Mrs. Jenkins, who won't open her eyes until someone else puts her glasses on for her. Mrs. Jenkins is naturally disturbed the ugliest Indian guy in the world, who we all really wish would just leave, and quit running around awkwardly.

John goes to meet the king, and tells him he brought back an Indian princess. The kings is playing giant chess for no particular reason, and demands Pocahontas attend a ball. If she attends the ball, and is awesome and proper, they will not attack her tribe with their armada. Because it makes sense. Ssshhhh. John now has to pull a My Fair Lady, and civilize Pocahontas. Original.
Pocahontas waltzes out in her English underwear, and for some reason, John is shocked, even though it covers more than her little Indian dress ever did.
Mrs.Jenkins sings an incredibly irritating song, and Pocahontas instantly learns to dance.

Pocahontas comes downstairs for the ball wearing a crapton of crap. John thinks it's nice. They go to the ball, where ugly Indian guy steals the clothes off a midget because he just realized he COULD look stupider.
Pocahontas compliments the king, and he gets very excited. She tells the king to call off the armada, but the king is too busy partyin' it up.
A drunk guy runs up to John, and invites him and Pocahontas....upstairs? I'm not sure. His words were a bit slurry. Who knows what's going on upstairs. O.o
All the fat ladies totally dig ugly Indian guy. He looks pleased. He knows his midget jacket helps him get all the babes.
There is dancing. John tells Pocahontas she is awesome at bringing peace. This makes her want to kiss him, but she doesn't get to, because that is what always happens in dance scenes. Some other guy always cuts in at an awkward time. Ratcliffe is that guy in this case, and he's all, "Bawhawhaw, if John SMITH was alive, he'd be totes jelly of Rolfe!" Pocahontas is all like D: Rolfe runs up to her and grabs her ass, which makes her feel better.
"Dinner is served!" Announces the midget, who magically has his clothes back.
We are then forced to watch the Igor triplets and Ratcliffe sing a song about magic.
They then bring in a bear and poke it with sticks to freak Pocahontas out. The king doesn't like Pocahontas freaking out, and has her arrested for liking bears. None of the king's guards have eyes.

John Smith (Who is ALIVE! Surprise!) hears about this while he's sulking in a bar, and rides off to help John Rolfe save her. Smith makes the guards chase him around, while Rolfe gets to be the fancy hero. Pocahontas is all, "YAY, JOHN!"
Then John Smith walks in, Pocahontas is all, "YAY, JOHN!" Of course, dumbass Smith lead the guards back to Pocahontas and Rolfe, so then they have to fight all of them. They escape of course, completely destroying the prison gate in the process.
Smith hugs Pocahontas, and she looks as though she hates it. Smith and Rolfe fight, and Pocahontas leaves. Rolfe runs after her first, so the audience knows who she's supposed to be with. Smith follows eventually. Smith totally notices Rolfe loves her. Rolfe looks as though he hadn't noticed before either. Smith appears not to care at all.
Pocahontas runs off into the woods, washes the makeup off her face, takes her hair down, and reprises her first boring song that no one listens to.
Pocahontas says she wants to go back and see the king. Off we go, then. Pocahontas struts into the king's court in her skimpy lil' Indian dress, and gives a speech. The king's all, "Okay, let's go stop the armada!"

Smith rides his horse right onto Ratcliffe's ship, and claims to be his own ghost. The crew freaks the hell out, and jumps off the ship. A few stay and fight, and Smith, soon joined by Rolfe, defeat them easily. One sailor is even defeated by Flit. The hummingbird. Yeah.
Ratcliffe fights Smith, and Smith makes lame sword puns. We are not amused. Ratcliffe decides swords are dumb, and pulls a gun on Smith. Seriously, if he HAD the gun, why didn't he just SHOOT ALL OF THEM? Pocahontas, Smith, Rolfe, ugly Indian dude... Would've saved him a lot of trouble.
Rolfe clonks Ratcliffe with...y'know..that big spinny thing on ships they always use to clonk people. And they toss him in the ocean. He is then arrested for being a liar.

Pocahontas and Rolfe almost have a romantic moment, but they screw it up. Fortunately, Smith interrupts with news that he got himself a sweet-ass ship. Yayyyyy.  He invites Pocahontas to accompany him on his ship, and Rolfe gets all sulky and leaves.
Pocahontas rejects Smith, and he's all, "Meh, okay."
Pocahontas gets on a different ship, to America. Rolfe happens to be on the ship. He goes to live with Pocahontas.

Ugly Indian dude, the bear, and Mrs.Jenkins live happily ever after, drinking tea.

And that is Pocahontas II. That's also why Disney should not make sequels to their awesome movies. Because things like THIS, and "The Little Mermaid II" happen.

Monday, July 02, 2012

The Infernal Beeping

Today, I was awakened at 8:28 am by a beeping noise. A loud beeping noise. An evil beeping noise.
I pretended I did not hear it, and attempted to go back to sleep.
It beeped again.
And again.
And again.
And then it stopped.
Wharuruvermrffn..., I thought. I again tried to go back to sleep.


I got up and went in search of the beep.
I decided it must be the smoke alarm, calling to us.
Chaaaange the batteries, chaaange theeeeem. So I can beep when you cook fiiiish stiiiiiicks.

I removed his batteries, and called him unkind names.
I got back into bed.


What is this madness? What could it be?

No one was awake but Kimberly, who knows nothing about Infernal Beeping.
I decided I was going to go mad if the Infernal Beeping was not stopped.
I decided to wake up Dad the Great Scholar of Mysterious Noises, just for a little bit.

Me: "Hey Dad?.........Dad?......Could you wake up for a little bit please?....Just for like a few seconds? Hey Dad?....Something's beeping in my room. I think it's the smoke alarm, but I also think I took the batteries out."
Dad: "Hrrmfflwha? Is it plugged in?"
Me: "What?"
Dad: "The smoke alarm?"
Me: "How would you even plug that in??"
Dad: "Oh...I meant the carbon monoxide detector. Is it plugged in?"
Me: "Ohhhhhhh...."

I walk back to my room and see the carbon monoxide detector, the source of much great beeping terror, lying on the floor next to the power strip. It was I who unplugged it, four days ago, to test the big, scary, rolling air conditioner that blows hot air out the back.

I really hate the carbon monoxide detector. It beeps over everything. Everything. It seems to believe people are made of carbon monoxide. If you stand next to it (Not over it, not touching it. NEXT TO IT) It will declare, "There are three hundred carbon monoxides right here in this very room. LEEEEEAAAVE NOOOOWWWW!"

It seemed to be mocking me.
I plugged it back in.
All was quiet.
I called it unkind names.

Now what was this? It was plugged in. IT SHOULD STOP.

I hate the detector. I hate it so much. I would rather just die of carbon monoxide poisoning than listen to this thing. I have heard that carbon monoxide poisoning is rather quiet and peaceful.

I picked up the detector.


I took it to the back door.


I threw it outside.


I closed the door.


I went back to sleep.

I have defeated the Infernal Beeping machine. I have won much glory and honor for my tribe on this day. I have also won much peace and quiet.

Several hours later, I woke up.
No teeny quiet pathetic beeps were coming from outside. The Infernal Beeping machine must have given up.
And then I saw it.
Sitting silently by the back door.
My nemesis.
In order to keep the peace, I have formally exiled him. He will never again return to my bedroom alive.
Long-lasting peace will be had by the citizens of the bedroom.
Or perhaps I should just execute him....