Saturday, February 12, 2011

Your Typical Doctor's Office

Hello. I am really freaking paranoid about doctors. And who isn't? THEY ARE EVIL. Only crazy evil obsessed people would spend all that time and money in medical school, doing whatever the heck it is they do in medical school.
I try to avoid seeing doctors at all costs. I will go to a doctor if, A) I am sick, and steadily getting worse rather than better, B) I need a vaccination, and a shot is better than *in hick accent* "dyin' uf lawckjaw" (Also known as Tetanus), or C) I AM FREAKING DYING.
So I really don't have a lot of experience with doctors.
I think that I will tell you about them anyway.


  The waiting room is full of crappy old magazines that you can SEE the germs crawling upon. Never ever touch these. Unless it is something funny, like People, or US Weekly, or The National Enquirer.
  There are a lot of people coughing in here. Sometimes, the people will cough so hard, their feet come up off the floor. You will probably end up sitting next to this person. In between coughs, this person will keep checking you out, even though you are sick and look terrible. And so do they.
  The waiting room also has television. The crappy sort of television that no one, aside from maybe the receptionists, would watch. You know SOMEBODY picks the channels. And the receptionists are the only ones who have to be out there. Therefore, it must be them.
  The waiting room, along with the rest of this awful place, has a distinct smell. The smell of doctors, and evil, and fear, and latex. And possibly fake plants. There are often fake plants everywhere. Because fake dusty plants are somehow calming.

  Nurses are not usually bad people. They are usually nice and friendly, and they weigh you, and do all that crap the good doctor is too busy to do.
  Sometimes, the nurse happens to be a friend of yours, and you actually kind of have fun, even though your friend is peering inside your mouth and ears with an itty bitty flashlight.
  But considering their chosen profession, these people cannot be all good. They stick uberlong Q-Tip thingies down your throat, looking for strep. And you make "Cat with the Hairball of a Lifetime" noises.
 Sometimes, they will also stick a similar uberlong Q-tip up your nose. They say they are looking for the flu. I think they really just enjoy it when the patient screams "OH GOD!" (Even if you thought you had laryngitis, you can clearly still scream) and yanks their head away. Or maybe they just like poking your brains. I'm pretty sure that's how far they stick that damn thing up there.
  The nurse will try to check your pulse. Sometimes, they can't find your pulse. This is not that alarming, because sometimes, you can't find it yourself (This is obviously not true of all people. Some people have normal pulses. Some people's pulse is just EVERYWHERE, and if you snuggle such people, their pulse keeps thumping you on your head. And then there are some like me, who sometimes seem to lack a pulse altogether.). The nurse will then ask, very seriously, if you are a vampire. You, of course, tell them yes, indeed you are.
  If you are lucky, the nurse will check your temperature with the sort of thermometer that goes in your mouth. Sometimes they will use your ear (Which feels creepy) and sometimes use your armpit (And you hope to God you used the proper amount of deodorant. The perfect amount that will prevent the thermometer from coming out, A) Stinky and sweaty, or B) White with deodorant flakes). God forbid they ever try to take your temperature elsewhere (Do they even do that with people? 'Cause that's gross).
 The nurse will also take your blood pressure. They wrap the Large Blue Device of Squeezy Death and Tingly Hands around your arm. This device then tries to squeeze your arm off. Sometime, they will also stick what appears to be a large plastic clothespin on your finger. We're not sure what this does. But it sure feels weird doing it.

  After all this is over with, the nurse goes outside to laugh at you. The doctor comes in, and listens your self live and breath and pump and all that jazz.. He makes "Hmmm." noises. It has yet to be determined if these "Hmmms" are positive "Hmmms" or negative "Hmmms'. And the doctor is not about to tell you.
  The doctor searches for your pulse. You wish him luck.  He says your pulse is a little high. You try to refrain from stating the obvious. "That would be because there is a DOCTOR grabbing my arm. Duh." Sometimes you are really sick, and thus not in the best mood, so you do indeed state the obvious. Only to be polite, you should leave off the "Duh". Remember, this man has probably seen the insides of people numerous times.
  Doctor pokes you in the stomach. HARD. He asks if this hurts. That would hurt if you WEREN'T sick, of COURSE it hurts, but you say, "No.", assuming he probably just wants to know if that was abnormal massive pain. He also pokes you in the neck. This also hurts, but he usually doesn't ask about it. He just likes to poke your neck.
  The doctor goes out for a bit to laugh at you, and share stories of hilarious sick people with the nurse. Eventually, he comes back, and states that after all that, he doesn't actually know what is wrong with you, but here, take these pills. They're delicious.
  Sometimes though, the doctor will come in, and announce that, "The strep test was wonderful!". You take this do mean you do not have strep. You are wrong. You do have strep. And the doctor thinks this is wonderful.

  Yayyyy, it's finally almost over! All you have to do now, is pay a whole crapload of cash for the people to poke you. About this time, the horridness of this whole situation catches up with you, and you faint. But since you are way out here where the doctors and nurses can't see you, you are left to enjoy your unconsciousness undisturbed.
  Fainting in and of itself could take up a whole blog post. Lord knows I've had enough experience. Some people just gradually black out, losing all sense of touch. You can still hear your head hit the floor though. Some people get tunnel vision. Still others see random things like puppies and ice cream cones floating around. I am one of the gradually blacking out people. I also tend to think random weird things the first few minutes I'm awake again. Such as, "Hey, I wonder what I look like right after I've passed out??" *hops up to look at self in mirror. Is awed by extreme whiteness. Quickly sits back down. Or, "Heeheeheeee, everyone s standing around me looking worried. WORRIED IS HILARIOUS!!" And then they look even more worried, because you woke up giggling after clunking your head on a brick wall.

 Then people drive you home. And you blog about it.
Because you have wonderful strep, and nothing better to do.