Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bees - Tiny Buzzing EVIL

I do not like bees.

Sure, they make honey. That's cool.

But they also buzz around your picnic table, sting you with their evil little stingers, and get all up in your grill for no good reason.

Evan would beg to differ. He used to keep bees. He kept those bees like a bawss. So if there is, oh say, a giant freaking horde of bees buzzing around right outside his front door, he will just walk right on through them. Like a bawss.

(Beekeeping is probably like this. You may become Covered in Bees. Warning: There is one wild F-Bomb. But just the one. A lot of people probably cuss when they discover they are covered in bees. I would. I just wouldn't use that particular word.)

I will blindly follow him, like the trusting little fool that I am, and be halfway through when I suddenly realize that those are not harmless little flies like I originally thought.
Oh son of a Nutcracker. Those are bees.I controlled myself ridiculously well. Mostly because if I jumped and screamed, the bees would become angry.
And angry bees are way scarier than bees that are just chillaxing around a large mysterious puddle in front of someone's front door.
So I probably squeaked a little, squeezed Evan's hand until I successfully cut off the circulation (Well, that would be some trick, actually. He seems to have a pulse everywhere), and kept walking.
The puddle in front of his front door is caused by their air conditioner drooling. Bees really love AC drool, so they all hang out and drink all day.
And because Evan used to be a crazy little beekeeper, there are LOTS of bees.
Iz scawy.

So far, I haven't been stung. Ever. Which is kind of nice, because I hear getting stung by bees kind of sucks, but it's also not that nice. Because I don't know if I'm allergic. My siblings aren't, but my mom is. Not the kind of allergic where you coughandchokeanddie. Just the kind where you swell up a lot. But I'm not allergic to the same stuff anyone else in my family is. I managed to be allergic to fire ants. Fire ant bites swell up, but not as much as they did when I was little (Or maybe they swell up the exact same amount, but I'm just bigger now. Hmmmmm...).
Sometimes I swell up for no good reason. Like, sometimes the area under my eye will go POOF! And one time my lip got all swollen for no good reason at all, other than to be like, "Ha! I'm big and poofy! NOW YOU LOOK FUNNY! Also....I buuurnnnnnn. >:D"
That was weird.
Anywhoo. Bees.

My family went on a big groovy road trip in August/September of...2009? We drove through Colorado, Wyoming, South Dakota, and various places in between. But the three states just mentioned are apparently where all the bees live. In Colorado, we were following around a tour guide in the Garden of the Gods, and a bee was all like, "O HAI" so I screamed and ran away. The tour guide thought I was weird. But he likes to eat the random plants that grow in the park, so I think he's weird too. I guess it's so he doesn't have to pack a lunch.

In Wyoming, we were havin' a picnic. I was all cute and innocent and drinkin' a soda (Yeah, I know...Bees love it) when a bee comes up and is all, "GIVE ME YO DRAHNK, FOO'!" and I was all, "FINE TAKE THE DAMN DRINK JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!". I screamed and ran away. I left my chips. And my drink. And my purse. Oops. I tried to send my brother to go get it, since he's not allergic to bees, but he was too chicken. My mom had to do it. She was successful.
But I guess taking the soda away pissed the bee off, because as I was walking down the sidewalk, a bee (I bet it was the same bee, seeking it's revenge) flew all up in my grill, and started clunking it's face on my sunglasses. I screamed, and dropped my chips AGAIN and ran away.
I think I might've left the chips that time.
Poor little bag of baked Lay's.

In South Dakota, we visited the Badlands. There ain't a whole lot of plant life in the Badlands. But there are bees.
Angry bees.
They will find you. They will scare the crap out of you. You can't even run away properly. Too many cliffs. And large tourists.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hate bees.
Thank you, and have a bee-free day!