Monday, July 02, 2012

The Infernal Beeping

Today, I was awakened at 8:28 am by a beeping noise. A loud beeping noise. An evil beeping noise.
I pretended I did not hear it, and attempted to go back to sleep.
It beeped again.
And again.
And again.
And then it stopped.
Wharuruvermrffn..., I thought. I again tried to go back to sleep.


I got up and went in search of the beep.
I decided it must be the smoke alarm, calling to us.
Chaaaange the batteries, chaaange theeeeem. So I can beep when you cook fiiiish stiiiiiicks.

I removed his batteries, and called him unkind names.
I got back into bed.


What is this madness? What could it be?

No one was awake but Kimberly, who knows nothing about Infernal Beeping.
I decided I was going to go mad if the Infernal Beeping was not stopped.
I decided to wake up Dad the Great Scholar of Mysterious Noises, just for a little bit.

Me: "Hey Dad?.........Dad?......Could you wake up for a little bit please?....Just for like a few seconds? Hey Dad?....Something's beeping in my room. I think it's the smoke alarm, but I also think I took the batteries out."
Dad: "Hrrmfflwha? Is it plugged in?"
Me: "What?"
Dad: "The smoke alarm?"
Me: "How would you even plug that in??"
Dad: "Oh...I meant the carbon monoxide detector. Is it plugged in?"
Me: "Ohhhhhhh...."

I walk back to my room and see the carbon monoxide detector, the source of much great beeping terror, lying on the floor next to the power strip. It was I who unplugged it, four days ago, to test the big, scary, rolling air conditioner that blows hot air out the back.

I really hate the carbon monoxide detector. It beeps over everything. Everything. It seems to believe people are made of carbon monoxide. If you stand next to it (Not over it, not touching it. NEXT TO IT) It will declare, "There are three hundred carbon monoxides right here in this very room. LEEEEEAAAVE NOOOOWWWW!"

It seemed to be mocking me.
I plugged it back in.
All was quiet.
I called it unkind names.

Now what was this? It was plugged in. IT SHOULD STOP.

I hate the detector. I hate it so much. I would rather just die of carbon monoxide poisoning than listen to this thing. I have heard that carbon monoxide poisoning is rather quiet and peaceful.

I picked up the detector.


I took it to the back door.


I threw it outside.


I closed the door.


I went back to sleep.

I have defeated the Infernal Beeping machine. I have won much glory and honor for my tribe on this day. I have also won much peace and quiet.

Several hours later, I woke up.
No teeny quiet pathetic beeps were coming from outside. The Infernal Beeping machine must have given up.
And then I saw it.
Sitting silently by the back door.
My nemesis.
In order to keep the peace, I have formally exiled him. He will never again return to my bedroom alive.
Long-lasting peace will be had by the citizens of the bedroom.
Or perhaps I should just execute him....