Monday, September 06, 2010

Things Named Fred

Over the years, there have been a lot of things named Fred. For lack of a better subject, I will tell you all about Fred.

Fred the Parakeet

Fred is my godmother's parakeet. He refuses to bathe. So my godmother has to dampen a bunch of parsley leaves, and he runs around in the parsley leaves. I think Fred is bored with suburban life, and longs to be an adventurer in the rainforest. So when he bathes in his awesome jungle of damp parsley leaves, he can pretend to be an incredibly cool explorer, like Indiana Jones, or Alex Rover, or Dora.
I suppose he could also imagine he were an environmentalist, frolicking amidst all the trees he had saved from  being turned into coffee tables, or toothpicks, or toilet paper, or somebody's front door.

Fred the Goldfish

Back when me and my sister were into fish, we bought a cool little 1 gallon aquarium and some cute little goldfish. We loved to watch the goldfish swim around and play with each, and try to eat their own crap, as fish are prone to do.
As is the way with goldfish, they died fairly quickly. Shaggy and Daphne I were flushed away to that great big fishbowl in the sky. But not Fred. Poor Fred was alone for a few days, until we could get to the store and buy him some new little goldfish buddies. He was a little depressed for those few days, trying to keep himself entertained by chillin' with the shark picture on the back wall of the tank, but he cheered right up when we introduced him to his new friends, Daphne II and Velma. Daphne II lived a while, but Velma croaked and was replaced with Scooby-Doo. Fred wasn't too upset by that, as he didn't go friendless.
But after cycling through two full sets of friends, Fred started to go a little cuckoo.

Whenever he was alone, he'd just swim back and forth rapidly, occasionally jumping out of the water and smacking his head against the roof of his tank. We would hear his little fishy head repeatedly going- *THUNK-THUNK-THUNK* -all night. As soon as we got him new friends, Fred would settle down and act like a normal goldfish. But when  one friend died, he'd start the nervous swimming, and when the other died, the repeated suicidal headbanging would commence.
After another set of friends passed on, it didn't matter if Fred had friends. The frantic swimming and headbanging continued nearly all the time, except when he took the occasional break to eat.
Needless to say, Fred freaked us out, and I no longer believe goldfish have a memory of only three seconds. If they can't remember anything for more than three seconds, they can't go insane when their friends repeatedly die.
Fred did finally go belly-up, and was sent down the Great Big Porcelain Portal to Fishy Heaven to be reunited with all his fishy friends.
After that, we just bought guppies.

Fred the Smiley

Fred the Smiley is the ridiculously happy smiley that never stops smiling. 
Fred loves life. He loves to party. He also loves pie. Fred tends to just be happy about everything. 
However, Fred disapproves of the state America is in today. Not enough pie, not enough parties. So Fred is running for president.
I think he will be excellent at this. He'll give everybody free pie. He'll invite you to his parties. He'll do away with Thursday entirely, and then everybody can go straight to Friday.  Is it Thursday? Thanks to Fred, it will never be Thursday AGAIN!
Vote for Fred. TGIF! Plus, he has an awesome top hat.

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