Thursday, January 13, 2011

Weird Random Things #1: The Strangley Popular Thing That Is Twilight

This had been going to be a post on random weird things I took pictures of. But then I realized I had a lot to say on Twilight, PLUS I could do weird random stuff SERIES. Oooooooooooh.

I came across this totally awesome...thing whilst (Did you see that? I said WHILST) roaming  around that great, shiny, designer-labeled wonderland that is The Mall.
In FYE (For Your Entertainment. Never fails to get Adam Glambert stuck in my head), there was  a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen (of COURSE). Some really awesome person drew a Hitler 'stache on him.
Friggin' epic? I think so.
Sorry Twihards. *patpat*
I will admit in the books, Edward's a pretty groovy guy, so I can understand why you'd kinda like him. He's a gentleman with old-fashioned good manners (Usually), he drives a shiny car, he composes music, and he saved his virginity for the right person. He saved it for OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. He went through high school numerous times, AND STILL MANAGED TO DO THAT. That takes some mad virgin skillz.

He also supposedly looks, as Stephanie Meyer put it, "Like a Greek god."
I didn't know Edward was Greek. Edward Stephanopolis kinda has a ring to it, though.
Ol' Steph should've made him Greek.

The man who portrays Edward in the movie, however, does NOT look Greek. Or like a god.
Robert Pattinson looks like a hobo. Not only that, but HE FREELY ADMITS TO LOOKING LIKE A HOBO. Ladies, why would you chase after a hobo? And if a hobo, why THIS hobo? You don't all need to fight over the same one. There are plenty to go around. Try Austin, TX.

I really do need to watch the movie again. Maybe I will even make a review of it.
I did read the book, and from what I RECALL, it goes something like this:
Bella goes from living in  Phoenix, Arizona, with her mom, to living in Forks, Washington, with her father. Now she has to make new friends at a new high school. A surprisingly friendly high school. I figure there's just not enough students to form cliques, so everyone has to be friends with everyone, if they want any friends at all.

Bella must secretly be the hottest girl ever, because all the guys in the school throw themselves at her. Or maybe it's her stupidity and clumsiness that make them have to protect her, or see her get into some terrible accident for which she may blame them, and sue. "You spilled orange juice on the floor, I slipped on it, fell backwards, crashed through the window, rolled into the parking lot, and was run over by a bus. I SUE YOU, DUDE."

Maybe they are only throwing themselves at her to avoid being sued.

Edward on the other hand, is all like, "Mmmmmmmm. Delicious. Much better than those after-school cookies mom bakes."

So they argue a lot and act like they hate each other, while secretly falling in love.

That has certainly never been done before. 

They run around the meadows, and Edward shows Bella his sparkly chest and lack of abs. Bella seems very impressed. He also chucks around some large heavy things, in an attempt to warn Bella that he might accidentally kill her someday. Bella doesn't care. Because she is stupid. See that last sentence? I didn't even italicize that on purpose. It just came out italicized. Clearly, the internet itself wishes to emphasize Bella's stupidity.
Anyway. Most of the book is just describing Edward's hotness, and non-Greek Greek god-ness.
Or, it is Bella thinking about Edward. Or Bella hurting herself.

I don't remember how much Jacob is actually in this book. Not much. He's just a weird little kid whom Bella messes with. She already KNOWS she must have incredible hotness, since all the guys in school throw themselves at her. Yet she decided to flirt with this poor kid anyway.
So him pursuing her around all the other books is her own fault.
Like every other bad thing that happens.
A shorter version of this book would be: "People got hurt, it was cold and rainy, vampires sparkled, teenage boys were flirted, other teenage boys were not and it made them sad, there were fast cars driving fast, vampires tried to kill people, they messed up a dance studio, AND IT WAS ALL BELLA'S FAULT."

Oh, while I'm at it, here is a link to a hilarious video review of New Moon: Escape to the Movies with Movie Bob

And don't go jumping on me, "Oh, you don't love Twilight. YOU MUST LOVE HARRY POTTER THEN!! RIGHT, RIGHT? COME AND PRETEND TO CAST SPELLS WITH MEEEEE!"
I have read Twilight. Is was silly and amusing. I have watched Twilight. It was silly and amusing.
I have watched the Potter Puppet Pals and the Mysterious Ticking Noise. It was silly and amusing.
But that's it. How do Harry Potter and Twilight even COMPETE? One is a bunch of crazy wizard people things flying around and defeating the same noseless bad guy over and over. (Or, so I have heard.)
Twilight is a bunch of "sexy" immortal, semi-immortal, and not immortal at all but just as stupid, men going after the world's dumbest female. Seriously, she JUMPS OFF CLIFFS. In order to hallucinate and see Edward after he runs away to Italy.
They're completely different. Thus I am confused.
Terribly confused.

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