Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Progresso, Purell, and the Occasional Sea Lion

Since I just arrived n' all that, I thought I'd go ahead and provide you with a blog post I wrote last month, so you'll have something to do until I make an actual first blog post. So there ya go.

Tonight, we had Family Movie Night.
First came the popcorn. I had to go around the house, and find out how much popcorn must be popped. Not much. Okay, one bag, that's easy. If you can find the instructions, which took more time than one might suspect. Popcorn popped, sugary n' butter mixed into it, remote control found, and everybody seated in the dark, armed with popcorn, sodas and tea. The movie? Nim's Island.
The beginning wasn't very clear. From what I could tell, Nim's mother was exploring the inside of a whale (Because THAT'S a good plan). While she was peering into it's mouth (Say, "aaaaahhh!" Mr.Whale!) a ship called The Buccaneer floated by, which freaked out Mr.Whale. Mr.Whale then swallowed Nim's mother (Or whoever that strange, 2-dimensional woman was), because apparently when frightened, whales eat anything in their path.

Jump ahead about 10 years, and here is Nim and her father. Alone on an island. Seriously?? I mean sure, they have some internet access. But what happens if Nim's father becomes horribly ill? Breaks a a leg? Falls off the volcano that Nim is so fond of climbing? She's only 11. What's she supposed to do? Send her sea lion friend for help? It gets even better when Nim's father sails off to see- *DundunDUNNNN!* blue...glowing....plankton. Amazing. So he sets off in his pathetic excuse for a boat. A sailboat. Wise choice during monsoon season. How can we tell it's monsoon season? They have monsoons every other day. He obtains a jar of magic blue plankton, and WHAM! Monsoon knocks holes in his boat, and his satellite dish sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Now he can't just pump water out of his boat. He has to build an elaborate pump system first. Because his boat didn't have one already. Shouldn't it have? And shouldn't this supposedly intelligent scientist be wearing a life jacket? You survive more better that way.

Back at the island, this same monsoon is blowing their cute little "Swiss Family Robinson-esque" treehouse around. Nim gets up, and closes half the windows. But not the other half. Those don't appear to close. She just covers the computer with a tarp. Because that's practical. But it's a good thing she did, because otherwise she never would have received an email from great adventurer and author, Alex Rover....Who turns out to be some crazy paranoid woman who hasn't left her house in sixteen weeks. She lives off of Purell and Progresso soup (Which, by the way, is very tasty). Alex wants to know what volcanoes are like, so of course she contacts a marine biologist type of dude who happens to live right under a supposedly dormant volcano, rather than an actual expert on volcanoes. Never assume a volcano is dormant. They have been known to go KAPLEWIE when you least expect it. Nim assumes it is dormant, and heads on up there. I think she has a death wish or something. Either that, or her dad never taught her basic survival skills. Nim proceeds to pick the steepest spot on the entire volcano to climb up. Sure, she's got a rope and all sorts of climbing equipment. But a rope is rather useless when it's not tied to anything. After a harrowing climb, Nim makes it to the top, and studies the volcano, so she can report back to Alex, her idol. I believe at this point the volcano coughs at her. I don't really remember, as at this point I was also distracted by popcorn. Anyway, she ties her rope to the ONLY TREE growing there on the volcano, and begins her climb back down. Obviously, Nim, being a little 11 year-old-girl, is too heavy for the tree, and it comes crashing down the mountainside. Nim follows shortly after. She is mostly unhurt, aside from a ginormous disgusting gash on her leg. She doesn't seem too concerned about this, and heads back to report her volcanic findings to Alex.

Through quite a bit of emailing, Alex discovers that Nim is all alone. Alex is dreadfully concerned about Nim, being all alone and having a ginormous disgusting gash on her leg. Alex has wonderfully hilarious conversations with her imaginary adventurer friend who has a funny accent. Eventually, her imagination convinces her to get out of the house, brave the scary, wet, unsanitary world, and go save that little girl. She packs up her Purell and Progresso, and off to Nim's island she goes.

Back the island, a straaange ship is pulling in. To Nim's horror, it is called the Buccaneer. Thus, it MUST be the same ship that spooked Mr.Whale into eating her mother all those years ago. It spits out a little boat full of pirate-like men, who walk about 25 yards onto the island, survey the small portion that they can see, and declare it the perfect place to throw a Fat Tourist Party. After about three minutes on shore, they head back to their ship, and Nim begins making plans to defeat the invaders and keep her little slice of heaven Fat-Tourist-Free.

Now, where is her father during all this? He is still on his boat, protectively clutching his beloved jar of radioactive plankton. His pump keeps breaking, he has no sail, no motor, and apparently no oars. Galileo, the kindly pelican, brings him his tool belt, so he can build a pathetic engine, which promptly snaps off in the next monsoon. The rest of his boat falls apart, and Nim's father, still without a life jacket but still clutching his precious jar of amazing glowing plankton, is stranded out in the ocean. Fortunately, the sharks which were previously circling his boat AND repeatedly slamming into it (Because sharks have been known to do that....), have decided that he's too stupid to eat and may give them indegestion, have swum away.

Finally, Nim's worst nightmare becomes reality....The Buccaneers have returned, and brought with them beach chairs, umbrellas, portable bathrooms, and Fat Tourists. The Fat Tourists gleefully party on the beach, completely unaware that sneaky little Nim is about to launch her little lizard friends right into their luau, via Lizard Catapult. Being catapulted hundreds of feet into the air does not hurt the lizards at all. Rather, they seem to enjoy it, and make little noises of delight (Though last time I checked, lizards don't many noise, delighted or otherwise, aside from the occasional angry hiss). The Fat Tourists and Buccaneers panic, and chaos ensues. Drinks and hats fly everywhere, and all their portable bathrooms are tipped over. The Poor stupid people head for the ship. All except one boy, a fat British kid who answers to the name of Edmund. He finds Nim in the jungle, and asks her to come back with them, because due to the flying lizard epidemic and the coughing volcano, the island is no place for a little girl. Nim curiously pokes his pudgy face, and then declines, stating the island is her home. She disappears in a puff of some snow-like substance, and Edmund runs (If you can call whatever it is he does running) back to his worried parents.

Through many hilarious mishaps, new experiences with boat-thieving, and encounters with terribly unsanitary things, Alex makes her way to the island. She  arrives (Of course) during a monsoon. Nim goes outside (Into the monsoon) to see what all the hullabaloo is about, and spots Alex's little boat. She sets out on her sea lion friend to see if she may be of any assistance. As she reaches the little boat it tips over, flinging Alex into the watery depths. The sea lion then abandons Nim to go on a fish break or something, and it is now up to Nim to save the utterly exhausted Alex. She screams underwater, letting all her air out so that she has to go up for more, dives back down, grabs Alex's hand, and tows her back to shore. Once there, Alex tells Nim that she is Alex Rover. THE Alex Rover. Nim is dumbfounded. She had thought Alex would be a fearless adventurer, and help her find her father. Obviously, there is no "About the Author" section at the end of Alex's books. Thus, even though Nim has ASKED Alex to come, she totally blows her off, declaring that Alex is a wimp, and could never be of any help. Alex is devastated that, after coming all this way and braving her worst fears, Nim will not accept her help. Even Alex's own imagination abandons her. So, lost and alone, she goes to Nim for help. The sea lion returns, only to eat Alex's last can of Progresso, forcing her to eat weird island food, cooked by an 11 year old who doesn't know basic survival skills.

Nim's father finally manages to wash up on shore, riding a little chunk of boat he somehow managed to cling to during the storm. Nim excitedly runs to her father and embraces him, and his jar of magnificent glowing plankton. She introduces him to Alex, who has great hair, despite her not leaving her house for sixteen weeks, and having been through a monsoon. Of course, considering Nim's father has not been around any female other than his daughter for many many years, I think he would have been attracted to any woman that should happen to wash up on their shores. A scientist and a writer. That's how their story begins. And the movie ends.

I actually sort of liked the movie. It was cute, even though the plot really didn't make sense. I think I watched it the wrong way. The way it must be watched, is to just not bother trying to make sense of it, and go, "Awww" whenever Fred the lizard makes one of his obnoxious parrot sounds that lizards don't actually make. In fact, the character of Alex was the only thing that truly made this movie watchable. She was great.
So, there's my little movie review/Oh geez I'm bored, hey, I think I'll blog about something! :D If you read the whole thing, congratulations! If you didn't, that's okay. I just needed to blog SOMETHING, and that was the most interesting thing that's happened all day.

1 comment:

  1. http://cloud-2.steampowered.com/ugc/903240950676537719/2193E4256E3BFB290455D836DD5625FEC98CFFFB/1024x576.resizedimage


Nobody ever comments.
But you...you could be one of the few. The brave, daring few who have left a comment.
So go ahead.