Tuesday, May 24, 2011

They Just Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Today, I visited a local antique mall. I love antique malls. Some things are really excellent, and I want them.
But most things...most things are really not. These things should never ever have existed.

And here, for your viewing pleasure (Or to kill some time and fight off boredom) are pictures of some of these creepy, creepy things that they fortunately do not make like they used to (Or at all, which is even better).

This is a triangular clown, ummm...thing. It has no arms. It has no pupils. It has no legs. It has no soul.
Why anyone would wish to purchase this, and then display it in their home is beyond me.
But maybe that's not what it's for.
Maybe you are supposed to buy a bunch of these in bulk, and leave one on the doorstep of your arch-nemesis every Wednesday until they go mad (Should take about three Wednesdays).
This is perhaps one of the more alarming objects I encountered.

Got children who are too old to believe in Santa, yet still stubbornly cling to their belief that somewhere out there, a jolly man sits Ho-ho-hoing and making them gifts, because he loves them and is kind?
Show them this.
They may still believe Santa exists, but at least they won't insist on leaving him cookies every year.
These are clip-on earrings.
Shaped like crabs.
"Hey honey, want to see my crabs?"

Yet another wearable horror.
This is a vest.
As if vests weren't bad enough already.
It's quilted. And has a 3D chicken on the back, with it's little chicks doing some sort of creepy-ass pagan dance around it.
Who would wear this?
And on what occasion?
These are some little glass shoes.
The shoes I think are pretty cute.
But I was getting this creepy vibe the whole time I was looking at them.
Kind of like someone/something was....watching me.

If that first Santa picture wasn't enough, send this life-size-to-a-small-impressionable-child Santa figurine after them.
They will never require Christmas presents from old Saint Nick ever again.
I was trying really hard to smile for the camera, but no smiling is possible with this Santa in the immediate vicinity.

These babies were in a glass case.
They appear to be saying, "Please take us out of this case. Take us home, to be with you forever."
For the love of all that is good and  holy, do not take them out of their case, for God only knows what horrors would follow.
And wassup with that pervy looking owl back there? I believe he is a salt shaker.
I really really hope that whoever gave this thing a face was trying to be funny.
But I kinda doubt it.
I pride myself in my ability to be creepy, but I could never match the creepiness of this disembodied head.

I don't know why, but it took me a couple seconds to realize what was wrong with these candles (Aside from the fact that they are plastic, and terribly made).

This is a man with an impressive mustache, and appears to be wearing a sarong.
He also has a lei wrapped around his ankles.
A shopping companion of mine commented, "He got lei'd."
I lol'd. If you didn't, you must not have said it right.

Someone please explain this painting to me.
There two boys, who look like they're heading to a funeral.
The chunky one is looking straight ahead. The other dude is staring straight at you.
They are carrying around a blindfolded angel.


This unnerving clown picture was supposed to be last, but since blogger is retarded when it come to posting pictures (Unless you know HTML, which I really don't) it decided it wanted to be here, and if I try to move it, it messes up the alignment of everything.
So anyway.
This is a clown figurine.
Holding sausages.
And he appears to be cutting his tie in half with scissors.
And there's another perverted looking figurine eyeing him suggestively.

I think maybe this is a fountain.
That child looks possessed.
And he's wearing a hat.
And I'm kind of afraid to know what exactly he is doing to that jar.

"LOL, I'm feeling a little bit tipsy, how 'bout you, babe?"
"LOL, yeppers!"

Needless to say, I won't be sleeping well tonight.
There were even more pictures that I didn't show you. I was merciful, and decided that this stuff is probably already way more creepy-spookiness than any human being should be able to take in within a 24-hour period. I also noticed that there were a lot of boobs everywhere. There were seriously a LOT of boobs. So that was kinda creepy too, but I didn't feel the need to document it.

Sometimes, it's a really good thing that they don't "make 'em like they used to".

Otherwise, we'd all have clowns in our houses.

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